3 mistakes to avoid when setting goals
Changes are hard to make. By definition, a change is out of your norm and thus out of your comfort zone. Changes fall out of our normal behavioral patterns and thus take extra energy to make. Some changes are harder than others, but the truth is that all changes are harder than continuing to do what we’ve been doing, what feels comfortable, and what has become automatic. I literally work with patients all day, everyday who want to make changes in their lives, but for various reasons haven’t. What I’ve noticed is that there are definitely some common mistakes people make when setting goals or trying to make change that greatly decreases their chances of success. Below are 3 mistakes to avoid when setting goals or attempting to make change in your life:
Setting too high of expectations/goals. So often I see people set too high of goals that the change feels unreachable. They never even get started. Change is often a process, it’s not an all or nothing. Unfortunately too many people see change as an all or nothing and feel like they have to do it all or they are a failure. Think about making changes or reaching goals like weight lifting. You have to build up strength, starting with lighter weights and then slowly increasing the weight until you’ve built the strength you set out to build. If you put the maximum amount of weights on your barbell and then tried to lift that from day one, you’d fail, you’d feel like crap, and most likely, you’d leave with the feeling that it was impossible for you. However, if you start out with lighter weights, and slowly increase the weight weekly, at the end you’d reach your goal, you’d feel successful, and you’d know that it was possible and something you were capable of doing. The same is true for change. Start with something that feels doable. If your goal is to exercise 5 days/week, start with 1 day/week for the first few weeks, then add one more day for another few weeks, and so on. If you want to begin meditating set the goal to do it for 1 minute/day, or 5 minutes/day (whichever feels most doable). Don’t defeat yourself by setting a goal which feels so big you never want to start.
Not following through. This goes along with tip number one. Find a first step that feels doable and then hold yourself accountable, however you have to. If your goal is to go to the gym 1 day/week, maybe you bring your gym clothes to work and don’t allow yourself to return home after work until you’ve gone to the gym. The more you don’t follow through, the more you reinforce the identity that you’re a failure. Maybe this tip means that you wait to commit to your change another 6 months, until you’re truly ready to commit. The more you don’t follow through with what you say you’re going to do, the harder it becomes to follow through in the future because you’re building momentum against that change. Don’t do this to yourself.
Vague Commitments. This is the BIGGEST mistake I see. People are usually good at identifying what needs to change, however they are vague about HOW they’re going to do it. We have all done the vague “we should get together sometime” when we know we don’t really mean it, and it never happens. However if we said “we should get together for coffee Sunday at 10am” it’s much more likely to happen (granted the other person agrees to the meeting time). Changes are the same way. Be specific about how and when you’re going to make the change. This specificity simply supports your commitment, and the likelihood that you’ll actually follow through. Again, change is hard to make because it is not aligned with your current behavioral patterns. By being vague about how you’re going to make the change (e.g. “oh I’m going to exercise more”), you make it even harder to make the change because then your brain has to not only change it’s patterns, but it also has to initiate that change and then self-motivate to continue that process independently. When you’re specific (e.g. “I’m going to take that yoga class every Sunday at 10am”), the brain simply has to comply with following through because the directives have been clearly communicated. So be as specific as possible when identifying the plan for change right down to the how, and the when.
Good luck everyone. Be gentle on yourself. Change is hard and all change brings with it a certain level of stress, even good change. Avoid these 3 common mistakes and you’re already setting yourself up for a higher opportunity of success. If you’re setting out for personal growth, check out my post on daily rituals for nurturing mind body and spirit here.